How to Get Through Your First Mother’s Day Without Your Mom

My name is Halle M. Thomas and I’m a therapist licensed to practice in both Colorado and Oregon. My private practice Chicory Counseling focuses on anxiety therapy for millennial professionals. Many of my clients have lost a mom and notice a ramp up in their anxiety as Mother’s Day approaches.

It’s common for me to hear questions from clients about how to best approach their first Mother’s Day without their moms. Of the many adjustments a person makes when their mom dies, getting used to major holidays and cultural celebrations can take time. While there isn’t a universal approach that will work for every person, I’ve collected a short list of ideas for you to consider as you prepare for, and navigate, your first Mother’s Day without your mom.

Why is the first Mother’s Day after your mom’s death so hard?

Whether your relationship was good, bad, or non-existent, adjusting to life without your mom (even as a concept) in this world can be jarring. Hopes, dreams, and expectations all adjust after your mom’s death.

Your first Mother’s Day without your mom is sometimes a brutal reminder of just how much you miss your mom. Even simple tasks like running errands, can be filled with reminders you’d rather not interact with while your grief is so fresh. I’m thinking specifically of grocery stores that are often filled with Mother’s Day items, and sometimes it is the first thing you see when entering a grocery store.

In other cases, your first Mother’s Day without your mom might be a reminder of how angry you are. If your mom was not able to be a reliable person in your life, you might feel angry about not being able to better the relationship together. You might also feel angry about the circumstances that informed your mom not being a reliable person for you.

Your first Mother’s Day without your mom might also be challenging because of how little you feel. I talk with plenty of people who feel guilty or ashamed of feeling numb or apathetic about the first Mother’s Day after their mom’s death. There are many reasons why a person might feel very little around this holiday. That response is allowed, too.

There are a variety of other emotions that can get activated around your first Mother’s Day without your mom. Below are some strategies you might consider for navigating this holiday for yourself:

Tip 1: Opt-Out

Seriously. You don’t have to participate in this holiday if you don’t want to.

Cross the date off. Make alternative plans. Consider opting-out of Mother’s Day specific marketing emails too.

This holiday doesn’t have to be anything more than a day right now. You’re allowed to skip the holiday, especially if it allows you to care for yourself, and even if it means disappointing other people. Say no to brunch plans and skip any Mother’s Day specific programing.

There will be other Mother’s Days after this one. You don’t need to suffer through your first Mother’s Day without your mom by attending events that are too painful.

Tip 2: Repurpose Traditions

Alternatively, you might want to repurpose some of your traditions.

Order take-out from the brunch spot you used to go to with your mom. Have an at-home manicure date with your kids. Get a bouquet of your mom’s favorite flowers for your home. Make your mom’s favorite breakfast and enjoy it solo or with your family members. Watch your mom’s favorite movie. Do your mom’s favorite crafting activity.

Repurposing traditions allows you to have some familiarity while also making changes on your own terms. Having a sense of control can be especially supportive for getting through the first Mother’s Day without your mom. You didn’t have a say when it came to her death, but you do have a say in which traditions you keep and which you modify.

Tip 3: Give Yourself Some Privacy

You might want some alone time. If you have kids, get a sitter or have another person do a different activity with your kids. You’re allowed to not have an interest in being around other people, especially when it’s your first Mother’s Day without your mom.

This includes giving yourself permission to not be on social media. While it is culturally normed to share openly about grief on social media, you don’t owe anyone those posts. If it is not something you want to do, you don’t have to. Let yourself have some privacy to determine what will be a good fit for you.

Bonus Tip: Interview Your Emotions

While this can work for any emotion, I wanted to include something for people who feel apathetic or numb toward their first Mother’s Day without their mom. Below are some example questions you can ask yourself, or journal about:

If Apathy could talk, what would it have to say about my first Mother’s Day without my mom?

What does Numbness want me to know about how to care for my self today?

What does Apathy have to say about my mom, or my relationship with her?

Allow yourself to use whatever strategies may be helpful for your first Mother’s Day without your mom.

The first Mother’s Day without your mom can bring a whirlwind of emotions. While it’s normal to feel this way, it can still be disorienting. You have permission to interact with Mother’s Day however you need to in order to tend to your grief.