3 Tips for Your First Father’s Day Without Your Dad
My name is Halle M. Thomas and I’m a therapist licensed to practice in both Colorado and Oregon. My private practice Chicory Counseling focuses on anxiety therapy for millennial professionals. Many of my clients have lost a dad and notice a ramp up in their anxiety as Father’s Day approaches.
It’s common for me to hear questions from clients about how to best approach their first Father’s Day without their dad.
Why is the first Father’s Day without your dad so hard?
This could be an entire blog post on it’s own, but here are a few reasons why the your first Father’s Day without your dad can be so hard:
If your relationship with your dad was a supportive part of your life, you might be experiencing intense feelings of sadness or even anger about his passing. Adjusting to life without your dad being nearby, or even a phone call away, can feel impossible.
If your relationship with your dad was tense, you might be experiencing conflicting feelings about his death. On one hand, you might be relieved that you don’t have to interact with him again, and on the other hand, you might feel disappointed that your relationship wasn’t able to be different.
If your dad wasn’t present in your life, there can also be feelings of ambivalence about how to move through your first Father’s Day since his death. If you had reached a place of acceptance about why your dad wasn’t present in your life, you might feel caught off guard by older feelings of anger toward him, or surprised by feelings of sadness related to the reasons why he was absent.
Regardless of what your relationship was like, below are some ideas for how to navigate your first Father’s Day without your dad. Take what’s useful and leave the rest behind.
Tip 1: Ignore the holiday.
It’s okay if the day needs to be treated like any other Sunday. You’re allowed to ignore the holiday, especially if doing so will be supportive for you.
If you have young kids of your own, you can tell them that for Father’s Day this year, you’re going to celebrate the day by creating a new holiday, like Pancake Day (where you create a massive stack of pancakes together), or Backyard Adventure Day (where you spend time outside together playing whatever game you come up with together). This can help to take the focus off of Father’s Day itself and puts the focus onto play.
If you don’t have your own parenting duties to attend to, you can move through the day with more flexibility.
Tip 2: Create your own ritual for connecting with your dad.
This has become a favorite activity for many of my clients. Depending on how close your dad’s death date is to Father’s Day, you may have already had some sort of memorial service, or you might still be in the planning stages.
Regardless, you can create your own ritual for how you connect with your dad. Below are some ideas for how you can connect with your dad:
Wear your dad’s favorite clothing item
Make your dad’s typical breakfast and enjoy it for yourself
Participate in one of your dad’s hobbies
Watch one of your dad’s favorite TV shows
Plan to attend a sporting event featuring a team your dad used to follow
Visit your dad’s gravesite
Ask other people to tell you stories they have about your dad
Tip 3: Create small moments to take breaks from the holiday.
If you have plans to be with family or friends on your first Father’s Day since your dad died, consider taking mini-breaks. This could look like taking a step outside for a few moments, or even excusing yourself to the bathroom to have a moment of quiet.
It might also be useful to let other people close to you know that you plan to use this strategy. A simple, “Hey, if you see me disappear from the gathering, I’m just taking a moment for myself and I’ll be back in a few minutes,” can help the other people who care about you know that you’re taking care of yourself.
Bonus Tip: Spend some time writing or talking to your dad.
Some people find great comfort in continuing to communicate with their dad after death. Consider writing a letter to your dad about different things that have happened in your life since his death. You could also speak out loud and tell him things you want him to know about your feelings toward him. Whether the feelings you have are filled with love, anger, sadness, or something else all together, it’s okay for you to express yourself.
You’re going to get through your first Father’s Day without your dad in your own way.
Your First Father’s Day without your dad could bring up a variety of emotions. Still, you deserve to do what you need to in order to take care of yourself. Whether you skip the holiday, find your own way to connect with your dad, or participate in some activities while also taking breaks, I hope you can move through the day with self-compassion.
