3 Tips for Dating a Person with a Chronic Illness

My name is Halle M. Thomas and I’m a Licensed Professional Counselor in the states of Colorado and Oregon. My private practice Chicory Counseling focuses on individual therapy for millennial professionals. My previous area of focus was in chronic illness and relationships.

While the majority of people I see for concerns related to chronic illness are chronically ill themselves, I also work with partners of chronically ill people. When I have the benefit of seeing both members of a couple, conversations around chronic illness can be tense at the beginning. For partners who do not experience chronic illness, they sometimes have their own insecurities about how to show up for their chronically ill partner. Other times however, partners can sometimes have a lack of understanding of what it means to date someone who’s chronically ill. 

In the United States alone, an estimated 133 million people have at least one chronic illness. While some conditions may be straightforward to manage, others may be less so. For conditions that do not have predictable symptoms, partners sometimes find themselves feeling confused and even guilty about feeling negatively toward their partner. While these feelings are normative responses, it’s important to dig a bit deeper.

Common Concerns About Dating a Chronically Ill Person

Managing disappointment related to unpredictability and last-minute changes. 

When you’re not chronically ill, you have both the option to either be spontaneous or to plan far ahead. Whether it’s a last-minute happy hour with friends, a camping trip a few months out, or even an international trip the following year, there’s generally an expectation that you can plan for whatever you may be interested in. 

When your partner is chronically ill however, your ability to have shared plans can sometimes be altered. That happy hour you want your partner to tag along for will depend on whether their migraine has subsided. The camping trip you were looking forward to might have to be moved to a different location that’s more accessible. And that international trip might need to have travel insurance added on so you can have more flexibility in case your partner’s health doesn’t allow for them to travel later on.

Struggling with wanting to “fix” your partner.

The thing about chronic illness is that it’s, well, chronic- and yet, many partners wish they could do something, anything to fix their partner’s condition. It can be frustrating and disheartening to watch someone you care about not feel their best, or to lose the ability to do certain activities as a result of their chronic illness. You might also worry about your own ability to tolerate seeing your partner’s distress related to their chronic illness. This too, is a normal concern that many partners of chronically ill people have. It doesn’t mean that you want to leave your partner because of their illness. More likely, you may be wondering about how to care for yourself and your own emotions in the face of any health-related difficulties your partner may experience during your relationship.

Feeling like you don’t know how to talk about chronic illness.

Talking about chronic illness can be hard for many people. Sometimes conversations veer into intimate details about how a person’s body is functioning, and other times conversations lead to the topic of mortality. When you’re not used to talking about the human body in such a specific way, it can be uncomfortable. It might even activate feelings about mortality and death depending on the nature of your partner’s chronic illness. 

Tip #1: Remind your partner that feeling disappointed about changes in plans doesn’t mean you’re disappointed in them.

Disappointment is a normal response to have when you have to make changes to plans you were excited about. Instead of hiding your disappointment, be clear about the fact that while you may be disappointed in the change of plans, you’re not disappointed in them as a person. Remind your partner that you can be both disappointed in the change and committed to showing up for them and what they may be needing. 

Tip #2: Embrace flexibility and creativity when it comes to planning ahead.

Depending on the nature of your partner’s chronic illness, you may have different options when it comes to how far out you can plan. Whether you plan for a week at a time, or even months in advance, list-making can be a helpful way to map out plans on any timeframe. 

Sometimes it can be helpful to create a list of different activities you and your partner can do together depending on their symptoms. Activities can fall into a few categories: Low Energy vs High Energy, and At Home vs Out of the House.

Having a list on hand can help you and your partner to have a better understanding of shared activities that are realistic for you to engage in.

Tip #3: Gather information about what’s actually helpful to your partner when their condition worsens or “flares”

Instead of trying to “fix” your partner, consider having a candid conversation about what they experience when their condition worses, or when they have a flare up. While you can’t make your partner’s condition go away, you can find out how to support them in ways they actually need. You can also provide a listening ear - sometimes your partner simply wants you to be someone they can share openly and honestly with. 

Here are some questions you can ask your partner to get you started: 

• When you’re having a flare, what do you wish I could understand about your experience?

• Which tasks do you struggle with the most when your symptoms worsen? 

• What can I take on so that you can prioritize rest when you’re having a flare up?

Bonus Tip: Remind yourself that you’re not a bad partner for not automatically knowing how to talk about chronic illness.

You don’t know what you don’t know. If you’ve never been close to someone with a chronic illness, dating a chronically ill person may open up a whole new realm of conversations for you.

It’s also worth noting that your partner may be learning how to talk about their chronic illness as well, especially if they are newly diagnosed, or awaiting a diagnosis. Allow yourself to learn from, and with, your partner. 

It’s also okay to name how sensitive some of these topics can be. Remember that your partner doesn’t need you to have the perfect reply. Sometimes a straightforward, “I’m not sure how to talk about this, but what you’re saying is important to me and I’m listening,” can go a long way. 

Moving forward…

You can still have a meaningful and fulfilling relationship, even when chronic illness is present.  

See where you can get in touch with your own curiosity about how to build a relationship with your partner while also accommodating changes in their symptoms.