How To Make An Interracial Relationship Work
My name is Halle M. Thomas and I’m a couples therapist licensed to practice in the states of Colorado and Oregon. My private practice Chicory Counseling focuses on anxiety therapy for millennial professionals. My previous area of focus in my practice was couples counseling for interracial couples.
In Part One of this blog installment, I discussed some of the common challenges that interracial couples face that prompt them to reach out for therapy. In Part Two of this installment, I’ll be discussing some tips for how to address these common challenges in interracial relationships, and ultimately, how to make an interracial relationship work.
Some people may feel that talking about interracial relationships isn’t necessary. If you’re in a interracial relationship though, you likely familiar some of the conversations you wish people were having more often. As a more recent example, fans of the Bachelor franchise have seen what happens when the chances of an interracial relationship on the show come to an end.
On the most recent season of the Bachelor, Rachel Nance discussed racist comments she received on social media when the season with Joey Graziadei aired. Nance noted she was repeatedly called racial slurs and that people expressed their dislike of Graziadei showing an interest in her, all because of their differing racial backgrounds. While their relationship ended for reasons unrelated to the racist perceptions of their coupling, it still brings up concerns other interracial couples may have about how to make their interracial relationship work, and how to protect themselves from unsupportive commentary.
As a general disclaimer, what works for one couple may not work for another. The information below is intended to spark curiosity and maybe even discussion between yourself and your partner.
Tip 1: Create a list of cultural values that are important to each of you.
This is a starting point that I recommend, especially for clients who are completely unfamiliar with the norms and values related to their partner’s cultural background. For instance, is it important for you to gather with family during specific holidays? Is religion part of your life? Is it an expectation to financially assist your family on a regular basis? Write these down and see what comes up.
If you’d like to take this a step further, consider sharing these lists with each other. See if you can identify where some of your cultural values are similar. Sometimes couples are surprised to see that while their values may be expressed in different ways, that the underlying values are actually quite similar.
Tip 2: Make a plan for how you want to engage with people who make inflammatory comments about your relationship.
Rather than reacting to an inflammatory comment in the moment, it can be useful to pre-plan when possible. For instance, if you expect that a family member will make a negative comment about your relationship at an upcoming get together, picture how you’d ideally like to respond.
This might look like sharing your discomfort with the person’s comment, or changing the topic of conversation. It could also look like telling your family member that you won't be able to remain at the gathering if they continue to make negative remarks about your relationship.
However you picture yourself responding, know that you and your partner may want to engage in different ways during these interactions. As an example, while it might make sense to be a bit more short and direct with a stranger, you might want to take a different approach with a close family member.
Tip 3: Identify what each of you might need in order to address, or decompress from, stressors related to racism.
In interracial relationships where both partners are experiencing racism, it’s essential to begin identifying a plan for how to protect the relationship when this happens. When left unaddressed, the stress from racism can lead to feelings of burnout, which can sometimes look like disengagement between partners.
While you and your partner may not be able to solve the problem of experiencing racism in the first place, you can talk to each other about what would allow you to feel seen and supported. Some couples find that simply being able to tell their partner about their experiences is supportive, especially when their partner believes them.
Other couples find that they do not want to talk about their experiences, but they do want to engage in mindful distractions with their partner. This can look like reducing social media consumption in order to focus on other activities. It can also look like taking a break from other commitments in order to increase access to rest.
Tip 4: Consider attending couples therapy.
If you’re interested in exploring the above topics and would like additional support, couples therapy is an option you might want to explore. Within a couples therapy session, you’ll have the space to process reactions that each of you have as you discuss these topics. You’ll also gain knowledge of practical tools you can implement to better understand each other.
I no longer offer couples therapy, so I recommend using Psychology Today or Inclusive Therapists to locate a therapist who is licensed to practice in the state you live in.
